I don't think that I could fake another hollow smile.

Tonight was one of those nights I just felt so lonely I could feel it in my bones.

I know I only really log on here to vent so it seems like I'm a big whinger but who cares? I'm the only one who reads it anyway.

I went to an ex-boyfriend's brother's girlfriend's 21st birthday party. Yes, I'm aware that sounds ridiculous. It was a costume party and I went as a vampire bride- makeup, torn wedding dress, teased hair, the works. I went alone and as I walked in the doors, I immediately saw that every girl there had gone as a variation on a slut- sexy pirate, sexy nurse, sexy policewoman- you get the idea.

That sort of thing isn't really my scene but needless to say I was getting attention, not necessarily for the right reasons. I said hello to everyone and hadn't been sitting down for even five minutes before I was asked for the first time of the night if I had a boyfriend or was seeing someone. I said ''not at the moment'' as if to infer that I'd just broken up with someone, which of course was complete bollocks. I got asked that question four or five times throughout the night.

And then the birthday girl's boyfriend asked her to marry him during the speeches. I couldn't be more happy for them and it was beautiful but man it stuck the boot in. Then I sat by myself as everyone danced with their partners on the dance floor. I was literally the only single person there. I felt like such a fat, awkward loser. My confidence has been so beaten down after four years that I really don't feel like I have anything to offer. I fake it pretty well but that's how I feel inside.

While I was getting ready for the party, we were talking about our family holiday to Echuca in October. Last year, when it was being organised, my mum asked me if I wanted to stay in her and dad's cabin. I said 'yeah, kill me now, I'll still be single by then'' and she told me not to be so silly, I'd probably have a nice boyfriend by then. I'll be 24 and still sleeping next to my parents' bedroom on holiday. Seriously.

I'd had enough of fake smiling by about 11.30pm and I said goodbye to everyone and left. As soon as I got in my car, I burst into tears. I'm deep-down, throat-chokingly, soul-empty, bone-jarringly lonely and it doesn't matter what people say to try and console me, I just am. I don't think I can take another party where I arrive and leave alone, or another birthday party where I have to make my own cake or another holiday sleeping in a single bed.

Every sign of affection I watch one half of a couple give to another is like a hand closing around my heart and yanking it out of my chest. I've forgotten what it feels like to sleep next to someone, have someone hold my hand. I've forgotten what it feels like to have someone give a damn.

Everything changes, everything stays the same.

Wow, I haven't written in here for a long time. Not much has changed, I'm still single. I've been dating a bit though so here are the events of the last few months.

Feb-March- I started talking to this guy James on RSVP. He was funny and nice and we had a lot in common- he was in the ALP and we liked the same movies and TV etc. We went out on a few dates but I ended up just not being attracted to him. He was also deeply sensitive and had issues with anxiety and depression ( not that that is a deal-breaker). After I said I didn't want to see him anymore, he told me he was devasted, which was just a complete overreaction. Very nice guy, just way too deep for me I think.

Last couple of weeks, I've been talking a lot to this guy my brother's girlfriend set me up with. He's really nice, funny, casual and good looking- we went out for drinks a few weeks ago and the date went for three and a half hours. Since then, we've talked a lot and he has mentioned going out again but hasn't organised anything. I can't tell whether he likes me or not-you would think the fact the first date went so long is a good sign- I suspect he thinks I'm a cool girl but isn't attracted to me. Story of my life.

Other news- I won tickets to the Nova 100 singles party and I took my friend Jane along. It was really fun, two guys asked for my number, although only one of them has called. He seems a little too young for me but it was nice to flirt and just have fun.

Its hard to keep your spirits up to be honest- I think I'm putting myself out there and I know that I'm casual and not being too forward. I'm doing everything right and nothing is working. Oh, and to complicate things further, Andy wrote me a bunch of text messages- here's one:

'I have been in love with you for years Jess. I can't be without you. It drives me crazy.'

He keeps asking me to think about it but I don't think there is anything I can do. We can't date normally and I'm not prepared to make the kind of commitment he wants me to without dating.

Every now and then, I have a moment where the loneliness really kind of strikes me in the heart. Last weekend, I had two.

The first was at my sister's 21st, when her boyfriend said to me- 'Don't you think she looks really beautiful in that dress? She always looks so beautiful.'

And I thought, I'd bet good money no one has ever said anything like that about me.

And then on Sunday night, I was eating my dinner in front of the television watching Juno.
It was almost at the end, and it was a scene I've always found incredibly touching- when Paulie climbs onto the hospital bed and wraps his arms around Juno after she's just given birth.

And suddenly I burst into tears. I was sobbing. I haven't cried in almost a year and it was just all the build up I guess. And the thing is, if I ever try to explain the way I feel to anyone else, I do it badly and it sounds like I'm being melodramatic.

So I sobbed in my chair for about ten minutes. And then I got up, wiped my eyes and rinsed my face.

Most of the time, I'm upbeat and positive and happy. But I'm allowed my ten minutes.

Just when I thought I couldn't feel worse...

Hahaha I just googled 'Mayor of the Friend Zone', trying to find the exact dialogue from the Friends scene.

And I found this little gem in a Wikipedia article on the friend zone.

'It has also been suggested women can be put in the friend zone. This is mainly due to a lack of serious physical attraction.'

Thankyou Wikipedia! I'll be off to slash my wrists now.

Lonely

You know, sometimes I have a look around my house and I'm a bit smug. I think of all the girls from my high school who got knocked up at 20 and I think to myself that even though I'm single, I'm doing okay. I have my unit and I've travelled and I have a successful career and I think I'm glad things are the way they are.

But I'm so sick of the loneliness. It follows me around like a shadow. When I'm working on New Year's Eve to cover the fun everyone else is having and I see my ex-boyfriend dancing with his new girlfriend, cheek to cheek. While I watch the fireworks from my backyard alone, having just returned from work.

It follows me to my school reunion, when after I've told people about my career and my travels, they inevitably ask how my love life is. And I have two choices- to admit I've been single for the bulk of the last three years or to just sort of murmur mysteriously and let them think I'm shagging a different bloke every week.

And it settles over me like a blanket on nights like tonight. A Saturday night. And I've cooked myself dinner, done my workout video and now I'm typing on my laptop. Alone. And I wonder if things are ever going to change.

Sane me knows that I'm being over-dramatic and that despite the events of the last couple of years, I'm not a social pariah and someone, somewhere thinks I am worth having.

But alone-on-a-Saturday-night me doesn't believe sane me.

Far Away Love

Andy called me last night.

It was just so fun and easy and he makes me laugh. If only he were Australian.

He was talking again about getting married but I don't want to rush things just because we're in different countries. But god it is tempting. My parents would freak though.

We broke up a few months ago because his house wasn't selling and there was no end in sight to the long-distance thing. He accepted a job in Alaska which I thought meant he wasn't committed to coming here but he says he did it because he was being pushed out of his job in Seattle and he still had to make his mortgage repayments.

I promised last night that I would look at ways to get him here though. I still love him because he really is my kindred spirit in so many ways. I don't think it should be so hard to come here but it is. Unless we get married, there are so many restrictions and he doesn't want me to be supporting him until his visa comes through.

The whole thing gives me a headache to be honest.

The Ex List

This will be my last post for today, I promise. I'm at home by myself and kind of bored.

I figured I'd give a little relationship biography. Maybe it will reveal why I am such a coward.

High school

Chris- The big love. We dated for about two years all up (there was a break in between). But I was in love with him for about three years after that and I never told him. We used to be really close but he now dates someone who doesn't like me ( and I'm not too fond of her) so we don't speak much anymore.

Cody- My brother's best friend. We dated for about six months and then he broke up with me. A few months later he announced he was gay. Not good for a girl's self esteem.

Perrin- I met him during my first year of university. We lost our virginity to each other and dated for about a year (?). I broke up with him for a variety of reasons mainly because I was still in love with my ex, his mother was insane and he could be quite manipulative. To say he took the break-up badly is the understatement of the year- he texted like eleven times a day, kept calling and generally making my life a misery. Eventually, after my dad intervened and we didnt speak much for our final year of uni, we got back to some semblance of being friends. We have slept together a few times since breaking up but it's purely physical. I wouldn't date him again.

Andy- We met during my first year at uni and ended up being flatmates for about five months. He is American and ending up having to go back to the US when his mum fell sick in our first year. About three months after he went back, he told me he was in love with me and that he had tried to tell me when we lived together but didn't want to make it weird. We stayed in touch for three years until I went travelling in the USA late last year. I stayed with him over Christmas and he kissed me when he picked me up from the airport and we ended up falling in love. He came to Australia a few months later and then went back home with the intention of selling his house. Long story short, we did long-distance for about ten months and it killed us. We broke up after he got a job in Alaska (house still not sold) but we still keep in touch. I still have feelings for him and think about him a lot. He still thinks we will get married one day but I don't want to wait around for something which is never going to happen. He rang me on Christmas Day and pointed out 'I've been chasing you for the better part of a decade, do you think I'm going to give up now?'' I could move there but it would be hard to get a job in my profession in Alaska. Deep down, I still kind of think he is the One.

I've dated other people in between but only casually. These guys were relationships.
A lot of people say they can see a pattern with their exes but I don't really. They are all very different people. Although admittedly, they have all pursued me except for Chris. Maybe that's why I am still single, I need to get off my ass and mingle.

Internet Dating

I'd love to hear from someone out there who has had success with internet dating.

I'm on RSVP and admittedly I'm not the active on it but I haven't really had much luck.

I wrote a quirky, funny sort of profile and I'm wondering if maybe I should have been a bit more straight-up. I seem to attract contact from people who are either a) come across as desperate and over-eager in their profile or b) write very little at all or speak in SMS-speak which are both turn-offs.

I get a lot of people who exclude me because I live about 50 mins away from a capital city, which seems strange thinking to me. You're not prepared to travel less than an hour for love? Yet a lot of people restrict their searches to their postcode, which to me doesn't make any sense. I mean, wouldn't you have already met most of those people at the supermarket or something?

On the rare occasion ( and I mean three or four times), I meet up in person with someone I have met off RSVP, the witty banter and laughs I have shared with that guy don't really seem to translate to real life. Maybe it's too much pressure for a first date, I don't know.

I don't get the stigma attached to online dating, although admittedly I don't really advertise the fact I'm on there. I mean, how is it any more random than meeting someone at a bar? It's just as much of a meat market.

Has anyone out there in the blogosphere met their current partner online? Do you have any tips?