I don't think that I could fake another hollow smile.

Tonight was one of those nights I just felt so lonely I could feel it in my bones.

I know I only really log on here to vent so it seems like I'm a big whinger but who cares? I'm the only one who reads it anyway.

I went to an ex-boyfriend's brother's girlfriend's 21st birthday party. Yes, I'm aware that sounds ridiculous. It was a costume party and I went as a vampire bride- makeup, torn wedding dress, teased hair, the works. I went alone and as I walked in the doors, I immediately saw that every girl there had gone as a variation on a slut- sexy pirate, sexy nurse, sexy policewoman- you get the idea.

That sort of thing isn't really my scene but needless to say I was getting attention, not necessarily for the right reasons. I said hello to everyone and hadn't been sitting down for even five minutes before I was asked for the first time of the night if I had a boyfriend or was seeing someone. I said ''not at the moment'' as if to infer that I'd just broken up with someone, which of course was complete bollocks. I got asked that question four or five times throughout the night.

And then the birthday girl's boyfriend asked her to marry him during the speeches. I couldn't be more happy for them and it was beautiful but man it stuck the boot in. Then I sat by myself as everyone danced with their partners on the dance floor. I was literally the only single person there. I felt like such a fat, awkward loser. My confidence has been so beaten down after four years that I really don't feel like I have anything to offer. I fake it pretty well but that's how I feel inside.

While I was getting ready for the party, we were talking about our family holiday to Echuca in October. Last year, when it was being organised, my mum asked me if I wanted to stay in her and dad's cabin. I said 'yeah, kill me now, I'll still be single by then'' and she told me not to be so silly, I'd probably have a nice boyfriend by then. I'll be 24 and still sleeping next to my parents' bedroom on holiday. Seriously.

I'd had enough of fake smiling by about 11.30pm and I said goodbye to everyone and left. As soon as I got in my car, I burst into tears. I'm deep-down, throat-chokingly, soul-empty, bone-jarringly lonely and it doesn't matter what people say to try and console me, I just am. I don't think I can take another party where I arrive and leave alone, or another birthday party where I have to make my own cake or another holiday sleeping in a single bed.

Every sign of affection I watch one half of a couple give to another is like a hand closing around my heart and yanking it out of my chest. I've forgotten what it feels like to sleep next to someone, have someone hold my hand. I've forgotten what it feels like to have someone give a damn.

Everything changes, everything stays the same.

Wow, I haven't written in here for a long time. Not much has changed, I'm still single. I've been dating a bit though so here are the events of the last few months.

Feb-March- I started talking to this guy James on RSVP. He was funny and nice and we had a lot in common- he was in the ALP and we liked the same movies and TV etc. We went out on a few dates but I ended up just not being attracted to him. He was also deeply sensitive and had issues with anxiety and depression ( not that that is a deal-breaker). After I said I didn't want to see him anymore, he told me he was devasted, which was just a complete overreaction. Very nice guy, just way too deep for me I think.

Last couple of weeks, I've been talking a lot to this guy my brother's girlfriend set me up with. He's really nice, funny, casual and good looking- we went out for drinks a few weeks ago and the date went for three and a half hours. Since then, we've talked a lot and he has mentioned going out again but hasn't organised anything. I can't tell whether he likes me or not-you would think the fact the first date went so long is a good sign- I suspect he thinks I'm a cool girl but isn't attracted to me. Story of my life.

Other news- I won tickets to the Nova 100 singles party and I took my friend Jane along. It was really fun, two guys asked for my number, although only one of them has called. He seems a little too young for me but it was nice to flirt and just have fun.

Its hard to keep your spirits up to be honest- I think I'm putting myself out there and I know that I'm casual and not being too forward. I'm doing everything right and nothing is working. Oh, and to complicate things further, Andy wrote me a bunch of text messages- here's one:

'I have been in love with you for years Jess. I can't be without you. It drives me crazy.'

He keeps asking me to think about it but I don't think there is anything I can do. We can't date normally and I'm not prepared to make the kind of commitment he wants me to without dating.

Every now and then, I have a moment where the loneliness really kind of strikes me in the heart. Last weekend, I had two.

The first was at my sister's 21st, when her boyfriend said to me- 'Don't you think she looks really beautiful in that dress? She always looks so beautiful.'

And I thought, I'd bet good money no one has ever said anything like that about me.

And then on Sunday night, I was eating my dinner in front of the television watching Juno.
It was almost at the end, and it was a scene I've always found incredibly touching- when Paulie climbs onto the hospital bed and wraps his arms around Juno after she's just given birth.

And suddenly I burst into tears. I was sobbing. I haven't cried in almost a year and it was just all the build up I guess. And the thing is, if I ever try to explain the way I feel to anyone else, I do it badly and it sounds like I'm being melodramatic.

So I sobbed in my chair for about ten minutes. And then I got up, wiped my eyes and rinsed my face.

Most of the time, I'm upbeat and positive and happy. But I'm allowed my ten minutes.

Just when I thought I couldn't feel worse...

Hahaha I just googled 'Mayor of the Friend Zone', trying to find the exact dialogue from the Friends scene.

And I found this little gem in a Wikipedia article on the friend zone.

'It has also been suggested women can be put in the friend zone. This is mainly due to a lack of serious physical attraction.'

Thankyou Wikipedia! I'll be off to slash my wrists now.

Lonely

You know, sometimes I have a look around my house and I'm a bit smug. I think of all the girls from my high school who got knocked up at 20 and I think to myself that even though I'm single, I'm doing okay. I have my unit and I've travelled and I have a successful career and I think I'm glad things are the way they are.

But I'm so sick of the loneliness. It follows me around like a shadow. When I'm working on New Year's Eve to cover the fun everyone else is having and I see my ex-boyfriend dancing with his new girlfriend, cheek to cheek. While I watch the fireworks from my backyard alone, having just returned from work.

It follows me to my school reunion, when after I've told people about my career and my travels, they inevitably ask how my love life is. And I have two choices- to admit I've been single for the bulk of the last three years or to just sort of murmur mysteriously and let them think I'm shagging a different bloke every week.

And it settles over me like a blanket on nights like tonight. A Saturday night. And I've cooked myself dinner, done my workout video and now I'm typing on my laptop. Alone. And I wonder if things are ever going to change.

Sane me knows that I'm being over-dramatic and that despite the events of the last couple of years, I'm not a social pariah and someone, somewhere thinks I am worth having.

But alone-on-a-Saturday-night me doesn't believe sane me.