I don't think that I could fake another hollow smile.

Tonight was one of those nights I just felt so lonely I could feel it in my bones.

I know I only really log on here to vent so it seems like I'm a big whinger but who cares? I'm the only one who reads it anyway.

I went to an ex-boyfriend's brother's girlfriend's 21st birthday party. Yes, I'm aware that sounds ridiculous. It was a costume party and I went as a vampire bride- makeup, torn wedding dress, teased hair, the works. I went alone and as I walked in the doors, I immediately saw that every girl there had gone as a variation on a slut- sexy pirate, sexy nurse, sexy policewoman- you get the idea.

That sort of thing isn't really my scene but needless to say I was getting attention, not necessarily for the right reasons. I said hello to everyone and hadn't been sitting down for even five minutes before I was asked for the first time of the night if I had a boyfriend or was seeing someone. I said ''not at the moment'' as if to infer that I'd just broken up with someone, which of course was complete bollocks. I got asked that question four or five times throughout the night.

And then the birthday girl's boyfriend asked her to marry him during the speeches. I couldn't be more happy for them and it was beautiful but man it stuck the boot in. Then I sat by myself as everyone danced with their partners on the dance floor. I was literally the only single person there. I felt like such a fat, awkward loser. My confidence has been so beaten down after four years that I really don't feel like I have anything to offer. I fake it pretty well but that's how I feel inside.

While I was getting ready for the party, we were talking about our family holiday to Echuca in October. Last year, when it was being organised, my mum asked me if I wanted to stay in her and dad's cabin. I said 'yeah, kill me now, I'll still be single by then'' and she told me not to be so silly, I'd probably have a nice boyfriend by then. I'll be 24 and still sleeping next to my parents' bedroom on holiday. Seriously.

I'd had enough of fake smiling by about 11.30pm and I said goodbye to everyone and left. As soon as I got in my car, I burst into tears. I'm deep-down, throat-chokingly, soul-empty, bone-jarringly lonely and it doesn't matter what people say to try and console me, I just am. I don't think I can take another party where I arrive and leave alone, or another birthday party where I have to make my own cake or another holiday sleeping in a single bed.

Every sign of affection I watch one half of a couple give to another is like a hand closing around my heart and yanking it out of my chest. I've forgotten what it feels like to sleep next to someone, have someone hold my hand. I've forgotten what it feels like to have someone give a damn.