Everything changes, everything stays the same.

Wow, I haven't written in here for a long time. Not much has changed, I'm still single. I've been dating a bit though so here are the events of the last few months.

Feb-March- I started talking to this guy James on RSVP. He was funny and nice and we had a lot in common- he was in the ALP and we liked the same movies and TV etc. We went out on a few dates but I ended up just not being attracted to him. He was also deeply sensitive and had issues with anxiety and depression ( not that that is a deal-breaker). After I said I didn't want to see him anymore, he told me he was devasted, which was just a complete overreaction. Very nice guy, just way too deep for me I think.

Last couple of weeks, I've been talking a lot to this guy my brother's girlfriend set me up with. He's really nice, funny, casual and good looking- we went out for drinks a few weeks ago and the date went for three and a half hours. Since then, we've talked a lot and he has mentioned going out again but hasn't organised anything. I can't tell whether he likes me or not-you would think the fact the first date went so long is a good sign- I suspect he thinks I'm a cool girl but isn't attracted to me. Story of my life.

Other news- I won tickets to the Nova 100 singles party and I took my friend Jane along. It was really fun, two guys asked for my number, although only one of them has called. He seems a little too young for me but it was nice to flirt and just have fun.

Its hard to keep your spirits up to be honest- I think I'm putting myself out there and I know that I'm casual and not being too forward. I'm doing everything right and nothing is working. Oh, and to complicate things further, Andy wrote me a bunch of text messages- here's one:

'I have been in love with you for years Jess. I can't be without you. It drives me crazy.'

He keeps asking me to think about it but I don't think there is anything I can do. We can't date normally and I'm not prepared to make the kind of commitment he wants me to without dating.

Every now and then, I have a moment where the loneliness really kind of strikes me in the heart. Last weekend, I had two.

The first was at my sister's 21st, when her boyfriend said to me- 'Don't you think she looks really beautiful in that dress? She always looks so beautiful.'

And I thought, I'd bet good money no one has ever said anything like that about me.

And then on Sunday night, I was eating my dinner in front of the television watching Juno.
It was almost at the end, and it was a scene I've always found incredibly touching- when Paulie climbs onto the hospital bed and wraps his arms around Juno after she's just given birth.

And suddenly I burst into tears. I was sobbing. I haven't cried in almost a year and it was just all the build up I guess. And the thing is, if I ever try to explain the way I feel to anyone else, I do it badly and it sounds like I'm being melodramatic.

So I sobbed in my chair for about ten minutes. And then I got up, wiped my eyes and rinsed my face.

Most of the time, I'm upbeat and positive and happy. But I'm allowed my ten minutes.